Good To Go
Dear Margo: My father recently got a diagnosis of stage-four liver cancer. He is adamant that he wishes to die at home. In addition to needing information about how this can be arranged, I have now started thinking about my own health and wishes. I am considering an advance directive for if I become seriously ill. How can I talk to my family about this without upsetting them? ? Wanting a Plan
Dear Want: My mother had what your father wants: hospice at home. This can be arranged through hospitals or hospice care centers. There is a certain naturalness and comfort to doing things this way.
As for your own situation, I believe everyone should have an advance directive or living will long before it is needed. That way, no one can make your decisions for you. Because of your father?s situation, bringing up your own wishes will seem quite logical. It?s a terrible shame when people who know they don?t want heroic measures at the end are subjected to all manner of interventions.
A group called Compassion and Choices has an excellent free ?toolkit? for preparing advance directives, which can be downloaded from the website www.compassionandchoices.org(select ?care? tab, then ?planning for the future?). This group can also guide you in implementing your father?s wishes. They offer advice, options and information about end-of-life choices. A peaceful and dignified death is everyone?s right. Compassion and Choices will happily talk to anyone, with counselors available free of charge at 1-800- 247-7421. ? Margo, reassuringly
Putting Imaginary Fingers in Your Ears
Dear Margo: I am a 29-year-old woman recently married to the love of my life. I just finished a postgraduate degree and am looking for work in my field. We are living with his parents because we can?t get our own place on his salary and I am unemployed.
The problem: I?m finding it increasingly difficult to live with them. They?ve been so generous, which makes me feel guilty, but I?m at the point where I don?t even want to talk to them. They are controlling and not at all warm ? the complete opposite of my family. I?ve never once heard them tell my husband they love him; they argue all the time; they push my husband (and by extension, me) to do what they want. For example, they open his bank statements, tell him what he shouldn?t eat as a snack and put him down by making comments about his clothes and weight (neither of which is a problem) under the guise of being ?helpful.?
They told us we should live with them for at least three years (!) because it will help us save for a house. Margo, we don?t know where we want to live ultimately and don?t want to buy anytime soon. I?m at my wits? end. Moving out now isn?t an option, but tell me how I can cope with this until we do. I should also mention that my husband is from a different country, so I am away from all of my friends and family and have basically no support network here. ? Drifting and Abroad
Dear Drift: Ah, the different country element adds another piece to your puzzlement, but to be fair, those kinds of parents are in the USA, as well. As a coping mechanism, I would suggest a couple of things. One is to ?encourage? your husband, who sounds somewhat passive, to have a talk with them explaining the concept of ?privacy? and suggesting that their ?suggestions? are making you uncomfortable ? being so different from what you?ve experienced within your own family. To you, I would suggest tuning them out. ?Stay for at least three years? can be met with ?Mmmm.? Make it your game to filter what they say through your new mantra: ?I don?t think so.? ? Margo, automatically
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers? daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dear-margo.html. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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